I surprised me! More than once in the same night.
Well, okay then.... I learned something about myself last night. I have really deep feelings about a certain subject - don't know that I'm ready to share it yet, and I don't even know why that is. Just how it is.
So last night St brings up a subject he's been researching and enjoying getting info on. I came home from Stake Conf session extremely tired and somewhat irrationally grouchy.
#1 Moment: I did have a lady in my ward make a comment that really confused me - made me wonder what kind of gossip she's been listening to - she seemed to think she knew about problems and issues in my family that I only have talked about with some of my closest friends - and she's not one of them, nor is she close friends with any of my close friends. So trying to figure out what she must be thinking rather soured me a little. I guess I just have never felt like I made big enough waves for people to talk about me, or something. It's rather a disconcerting feeling - I never thought that I cared what others think about me. And I still don't to a certain degree. But that people are forming opinions without the proper information about me and my personal life bugs! And then I look at how I reacted and wish I'd said something more clever. I gave her a little response because I was too surprised and too confused as to why she would say that in the first place. It wasn't until I was in my car that I wished I would have called her on the carpet and asked her why she would think that? Goes to show I don't like confrontations and making other people uncomfortable - even if they do it to me.
#2 Moment: So having set the stage to my emotional state... Without any kind of preamble or greeting St calls me in to show my the results of his research that he's excited about (if you can call it that). He begins showing me video clippings and I find myself resisting his enthusiasm and find myself getting angrier. And after a few minute Mt. Lisa blew her top! I lectured him about using his time for his family briefly and just told him that the subject he was showing just made me angry and I didn't see any point in it and I didn't like it. I rather caught him off guard. Caught me off guard too. So I had to think about it and figure out why I don't like it and why I got angry. I did feel quite bad about exploding at St, so before I figured myself out I did apologize to him for being tired and extremely grouchy. So why would I explode at some random subject matter? I realized this subject is one I subconsciously avoid thinking about because it's one of those that makes me feel unsafe, and insecure. It's one of those things that just seems so huge and momentous that I, just being one tiny little person in the world, am helpless. Like a twig in a Hurricane. It's one of those We Need to Change the World issues that make me tired before I even begin to think about it. Yes, this world is broken and there is a lot of evil and I feel like on these subjects the expectation is for me to pick up my sword and shield and devote my entire life to crusading, converting, educating and putting in 150% and still it wouldn't even come close to being enough to resolve the issue!!! I would be snuffed out quite quickly because I am just a little guy in the scheme of things. I know there are some out there who are crusaders and believe that ONE can make a difference. I applaud them. I say good for you! I don't have the energy to devote to that when I'm just trying to hold my own little tiny spec of dust corner in the world together. It's not in me to fight for something like that - and I feel like there is an expectation for me to do so. And that helpless feeling makes me angry. I don't like it - I don't want it. And then when I have this information thrown at me and I DON'T want to do something about it, follows the guilt! I have enough guilt for not getting my visiting teaching done! I don't need to feel guilty for not saving the world either!!!! I don't want to be angry - but how can you not be when you see powerful evil?!!
So I've always handled these kinds of issues by just kind of blowing them off with a wave of my hand and saying "whatever" and have avoided confrontations. I avoid stating an opinion on these volatile subjects. I care deeply about the evil in the world - pick any subject and you'll find it in great force out there. So if I dig in and do my very best to do my part in keeping the commandments and the Gospel principles and really trying to help my family along the same path....that's my part in this world. This is my contribution to the world that I hope is enough. I have great deep feelings, but I repress them because I don't see an appropriate or possible outlet for them. So, I tuck it away in a corner of my mind with a note to self: address later at a different season in life. And that season may be in my next life. I'm willing to just leave it sitting there in the corner gathering dust.
Deja Vu. Just had a glimmer of recollection of having a kind of conversation with my sister about this quite a long time ago. I guess every once in a while it has to be revisited. I'll discuss this with St. now that I figured out why I bombed him.
Poor guy didn't know what hit him.
So last night St brings up a subject he's been researching and enjoying getting info on. I came home from Stake Conf session extremely tired and somewhat irrationally grouchy.
#1 Moment: I did have a lady in my ward make a comment that really confused me - made me wonder what kind of gossip she's been listening to - she seemed to think she knew about problems and issues in my family that I only have talked about with some of my closest friends - and she's not one of them, nor is she close friends with any of my close friends. So trying to figure out what she must be thinking rather soured me a little. I guess I just have never felt like I made big enough waves for people to talk about me, or something. It's rather a disconcerting feeling - I never thought that I cared what others think about me. And I still don't to a certain degree. But that people are forming opinions without the proper information about me and my personal life bugs! And then I look at how I reacted and wish I'd said something more clever. I gave her a little response because I was too surprised and too confused as to why she would say that in the first place. It wasn't until I was in my car that I wished I would have called her on the carpet and asked her why she would think that? Goes to show I don't like confrontations and making other people uncomfortable - even if they do it to me.
#2 Moment: So having set the stage to my emotional state... Without any kind of preamble or greeting St calls me in to show my the results of his research that he's excited about (if you can call it that). He begins showing me video clippings and I find myself resisting his enthusiasm and find myself getting angrier. And after a few minute Mt. Lisa blew her top! I lectured him about using his time for his family briefly and just told him that the subject he was showing just made me angry and I didn't see any point in it and I didn't like it. I rather caught him off guard. Caught me off guard too. So I had to think about it and figure out why I don't like it and why I got angry. I did feel quite bad about exploding at St, so before I figured myself out I did apologize to him for being tired and extremely grouchy. So why would I explode at some random subject matter? I realized this subject is one I subconsciously avoid thinking about because it's one of those that makes me feel unsafe, and insecure. It's one of those things that just seems so huge and momentous that I, just being one tiny little person in the world, am helpless. Like a twig in a Hurricane. It's one of those We Need to Change the World issues that make me tired before I even begin to think about it. Yes, this world is broken and there is a lot of evil and I feel like on these subjects the expectation is for me to pick up my sword and shield and devote my entire life to crusading, converting, educating and putting in 150% and still it wouldn't even come close to being enough to resolve the issue!!! I would be snuffed out quite quickly because I am just a little guy in the scheme of things. I know there are some out there who are crusaders and believe that ONE can make a difference. I applaud them. I say good for you! I don't have the energy to devote to that when I'm just trying to hold my own little tiny spec of dust corner in the world together. It's not in me to fight for something like that - and I feel like there is an expectation for me to do so. And that helpless feeling makes me angry. I don't like it - I don't want it. And then when I have this information thrown at me and I DON'T want to do something about it, follows the guilt! I have enough guilt for not getting my visiting teaching done! I don't need to feel guilty for not saving the world either!!!! I don't want to be angry - but how can you not be when you see powerful evil?!!
So I've always handled these kinds of issues by just kind of blowing them off with a wave of my hand and saying "whatever" and have avoided confrontations. I avoid stating an opinion on these volatile subjects. I care deeply about the evil in the world - pick any subject and you'll find it in great force out there. So if I dig in and do my very best to do my part in keeping the commandments and the Gospel principles and really trying to help my family along the same path....that's my part in this world. This is my contribution to the world that I hope is enough. I have great deep feelings, but I repress them because I don't see an appropriate or possible outlet for them. So, I tuck it away in a corner of my mind with a note to self: address later at a different season in life. And that season may be in my next life. I'm willing to just leave it sitting there in the corner gathering dust.
Deja Vu. Just had a glimmer of recollection of having a kind of conversation with my sister about this quite a long time ago. I guess every once in a while it has to be revisited. I'll discuss this with St. now that I figured out why I bombed him.
Poor guy didn't know what hit him.
posted by Lisa @ 7:07 AM
3 Comments:
At 10:03 AM ,
Amberlynn said...
You're right. There are tons of big scary problems out there, and we all have to pick our battles. Making it through day to day living what you can to do what's right... surviving motherhood...
You'll make it! You can do it. I love you.
At 12:28 PM ,
Mari said...
I think you responded very well to the lady at church. Sometimes no response is more effective than biting back. Good job! I tend to get worked up about stuff like that.
Good luck with the other issues your dealing with-I think you are much stronger, than you give yourself credit for! Love you!
At 6:48 PM ,
Lyric said...
But I think each individual certainly CAN make a huge difference in the world. You just do it small and simply in your tiny dust speck of a corner and it spreads from there. You hold yourself together and do the best you can for the people around you. You make the whole world a better place by doing one small thing, right where you are.
love ya sis!
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